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276 aka 9months and 2 days

I've been a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown for the past few days--since Thursday I think.  This morning I woke up with bloosy thighs.  "oooh! that expalins it" said I . I remember Sonya's comment of years ago "you are the only woan I know who is constantly surprised by your period."  well, yeah, when the damn thing is 5 days early.  Oh aging overies.

I miss Lj, the whole culture of it and writing in it.  and the whoel communtiy.  I'm never on line any more and I need to get on the phone in one minute.  <lj user="midgetroyani"> I dreamed about you last night.

Off to work.

208--Happy New year.

What a difference a year makes.  Jim and I were trying to remember what we did last NYE and so I figured I would consult the internet.  yep. as I suspected, I spent the night in tears, it may have culminated in a couple hours of sobbing in Justin;s shower...yeah. And we knew the sobriety  was coming--all the signs were pointing to it.

I had a few struggles last night and got a little crabby BUT I was a no point crying, let alone sobbing and I am loving having a New year that doesn't start off with a list of "drink less"and "get a new job".
We just has the basic normal list of eat more vegetable, get more exercise and procrastinate a little less about things.
And the money thing still hangs like a dull sword of Damocles,but it is so much less all consuming than it used to be...(helpful that I am not spending $100 a week on booze...)

Yeah yeah, write more, both here and elsewhere, find a sponsor, do the 4th step and remember to turn it over.  all good things, but just so lightened that two huge ones are not there any more.

Still here, still standing.  Happy 2014!


once my kids are big I am so going to opt of of Christmas.
I mean, I opt out of lots of other holidays. Why do I have to do this one?

Joyus happy and free man. If I man it to a year alcholofree, I am getting that line added to my tattooo--well not the "man " part.
so it will say "you might as well live joyus, happy and free."

I got nothing.
Christmas makes me feel guilty and poor, like I am not a good enough person and pushes the "keeping up wiht the Joneses" button that I can usually avoid through the rest of the year.

gonna get more tea.

Still like my job, doin gOK, mostly crabby about the rest of the world.
My baby wants a tree so we are oging to get one tonight. I can live with a tree for a week :)


Please remind me that there is no aggravation so great that it won't be made worse by drinking.

I went to a meetup in a bar last night and I really wanted a beer.  I asked about fancy soda--my fail safe, and in the end got the recovery drink of choice club soda with lime.

It si snowing.  X child had to be shoved into  new snow boots to go out the door.  I know it is parenting karma--In my mind's eye I see myself, a freshman in high school trudging through 15 inches of snow in flats and no socks.  I never wore snow boots, but then I never recall having them bought for me...(my mother would say I never asked.)  Yesterday I got boots, snow pants, gloves and two new shirts for X from target and only spent $6 of my own money.  Yay for sales reward gift cards.

I'm irritable but I still like my job and I am I off to drive through the snow to get to it.

Then some bookclub mamas and I are going to go see the Praire Ladies Fire Choir tonight! Tomorrow, I am going to give my first speech at toast mastes and one of the things I am going to talk about is....duh dun DUH!--MG 04.

hey, do you all see? 180 days!  that's six months! I'm not giving that number up for a stinking beer.  no worries here.


I was worried about Thanksgiving. But I had a good time, I was relaxed, I chatted I played games, it was fun. Wait, let me reittereate: I had a *good* time at thanksgiving at Jim's sister Barb's house. I drank ginger ale and I drank coffee and I stayed longer than we usually do. Then I took Jim's Aunt Julia home on my way back tot eh city. Jim and the kids stayed becuase Jen had also gone and she brought them home. I went to my thrusday night meeting.

Regrets, I am trying not to have them, but so much time, so much pain and I was in control of whether I was in it or not...

just remarkable.

and back to the only thing that is not happy in my life in my back but I am certina tha has to do with impending blood.


I know why I drank so long without sobriety, but dear god why did I stay in that job so long. The happy in my head, in my heart, is really kind of amazing. My co-worker who was in my training class muttered today as she left "I hate this job." no me man. I am HAPPY.

ten days later....161

Oh my time is flying.

I am full time at Deluxe and when I go home the kids are on the computer. Not a tons on on-line time in general. I'm not doing Novemmeber gratitudes or anything to do with Movember or Nanowrimo... I am jsut trucking along, styaing awake, succedding generally at feeding myself but not always nutritiously. I have ditched my saturday job completely and have a total of three more demos till I ditch the Sunday demo job...I am so looking forward to having only one job, and people, this counts as a real job even. I might sometimes wonder where my piece of cheese is when I make it back to my desk after three dead ends, but like any rat in a maze, I am learning.

Nothin exciting going on here, just wanted to document that I am still here, still holding on and gettling better day by day.

151 days sober, 42 years alive

Life is good, I like my job. I brought killer brownines to work to celebrate my birthday. I'm still sober and I am making it my goal this year to feed myself, to learn how to eat nutritious food and not live on coffee, donuts and protein bars. In Maslow's hiarchy, I know food is really low, but actaully caring about my own nutrition is a much more self actualizing thing than jsut putting food in my body.

Happy Bonfire night, everyone!


work and sleep and do not drink. Listen to a coughing child, take her to the docotr and do not drink. Worry about the other child who reports he got "beatup on the bus" but the furter story is he was beign mean to the other kid first--and do not drink. Take vitamins, think about some yoga and do not drink.

I am drinking too much coffee, mostly avoiding mCDoanlds and the donuts in the cafeteria. Taking a big handful of pills everyday (antidepressant, claritin, multi vitamin, Vit D, fish oil, and soon adding calcium.) filling my travel mug and back up thermos with coffee.

I have become the trusted servent at the Recovery in the Lifestyle meeting. RILT is identical to AA but for the kinky side of you and inclusive to all the alphabets. Know any kinky addcits in recovery in mpls? send them my way.

I have to go learn how to seel E-checks--no they won't replace the *other* checks we sell you but you will need these too. IT's the future!

Sorry, to me mostly, that it has been so long. 12 days until I get to spend my year as the answer to life, the universe and everything! Should I have a party or just elect a mayor?


Early to work becasue at least here I do not have to fight for the computer. When I was growing up, we had three pianos and one car. Never had to fight for a piano for practice time, but once I started to drive, the car was difficut to come by. We have three computing devices at our house and one car. Now I ge the car whenever I want, but still struggle for computer time.

OK, but that wasn't what I wanted to write about today. Last ngiht, on the way to my WFS meeting, I stopped at the grocery store for a snack and milk for the kiddos. The Checker said the usual "how are you?" and I answered "good." now, why is this remarkable? Well, for years I had a stock answer of "OK" to that question, which then causes people to ask "just ok?"--not my goal in answering that way, I was trying to be polietly honest.

When I stopped drinking, I started answering "hanging in there." a counsious effort on my part to get away from the "just OK?" conversation while still being honest. Last night, I didn't even think, just answered "good" which to me means, I may actaully be! Also, As I was *cooking* dinner, I said to Jim "I am not depressed, I am sober, I like my job and am I *cooking*! I think your wife may have been body snatched."

Yeah, I like the actual job part of my job. PLus I got $30 in target giftcards yesterday for being a good sales person :)

Yes, day 124 and I am good.

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